It feels like for the last few months, a dark cloud has rained on me. Could it be the medication combo? Possibly. Could it be the ADHD? Absolutely. Somehow, things have fallen apart in a way I don’t necessarily understand, it’s new. I’ve never felt more paralysed in my own life. I am exhausted.

I know what I need to do but then, I can’t do it. I sit there knowing I have to do something and then, nothing. I know what I want to do and yet, nothing. I don’t feel depressed, I don’t think. I don’t feel sad either. Maybe a bit disappointed in my lack of progress.

I love ballet, right, but I haven’t be able to get to ballet despite loving it so much. I love photography, haven’t got to classes either. Is it because my body is behaving badly since the seasons change? Like genuinely, it hates the turn from hot to cool, it doesn’t know what it’s supposed to do. At the moment, the weather is cold to warm in a day. It’s dreadful.

Today, 23rd September, my excess adrenaline is being dumped from my body which means extra added symptoms at the worst time. It is coming out of my pores everywhere and I can feel tension pain. I want to cry. I’m a mess.

Some days I’m raring to go and others, I have to force myself into moving. I feel like it’s obvious by my Tik Tok what my moods are, I don’t show my face at all if I’m not happy enough to. Yesterday, I was so happy, well until my parking fine over a hidden rule. Life, eh?!

As much as the colours of autumn are so beautiful and crisp, can it leave my body alone please? I want to function. I want to have fun. I want to be me again.

While I try to work on myself, I highly recommend reading Women VS Hollywood, I am not the best reader but this one is perfect.

Days later, new nails, hair cut off, ready for a brand new October. Chapter 27 is approaching fast. Spooky season is upon us and those we lost are at their closest ready for Samhain. I get to spend my birthday with the best friend I could ask for. It will be wholesome so I better wear the waterproof.

Hopefully, I can be in my element.