People only seem to talk about the side of ADHD that comes with positive things, they make it sound like a dream condition that only blesses you with talent. There’s a reality that people refuse to talk about and it’s horrible.

It’s hard to explain in words people will understand what it is like to live in my body. It’s bad enough that the genetics involved with ADHD mean that you can inherit co-morbidities, it’s bad luck.

I’m 7 days into withdrawing from Venlafaxine, I have to come off it because despite it working amazing for my ADHD, it causes hell with all the other conditions. I can now feel the same thing I felt before it and it makes me so sad.

From the second I wake up, thoughts don’t stop, it’s like a fight in my brain for attention, every thought wants to be recognised. Think of it as if a woodpecker won’t stop pecking, that is what it’s actually like. Worst is, if you have an internal monologue, you know, hearing every thought in your head, it becomes a version of torture, it’s so loud and it doesn’t stop. It slowly drives you crazy, you just try to fill your head with other things to distract but you can’t focus, you lose focus on everything. You forget every single thing that you were doing because there’s too much going on.

“You said you’d do” I couldn’t get out of my head to even remember.

This is written at 3AM because once I’m awake, that’s it, can’t sleep.

I call this all “impulsively intrusive” it’s impulsive thoughts that are so intrusive that you don’t want them. They manifest until they become intrusive. It’s a spiral. Pattern recognition makes it thrive, one moment it’s on say “ballet” then it links back to you being a kid because you wore a ballet tutu, then you’re stuck with bouncing thoughts about you being a child, then about the differences between then and now. Oh the differences, dark and sad thoughts, loads have changed, I miss people, I am so scared of XYX. SHUT UP!!!

I have been abandoned by right to choose and that means there’s no medication I can get. I somehow am expected to succeed at life.

My ADHD loves to provoke my dysautonomia, there’s no winning. Agitation makes my health flare. A vicious cycle.

Oh and to make it all better, the provider who diagnosed me and has left me hanging waiting for titration for over a year, hundreds of people diagnosed after me have got their meds, including ones weeks ago. Life.

So, your girl has decided, it’s time. Medical cannabis. Appointment on Tuesday. Bring it on. I just want to exist in peace. I will see how it goes.